I’ve been staring at this screen for an hour not knowing what to write when I realised that’s a pretty apt way of looking at my life right now. I’m at a cross roads (Love Island reference, ayyy) of my life and I don’t know which direction to take. Yesterday, I had two very big and important doors slammed in my face. Doors that could’ve catapulted me in the direction I so desperately want to take. And today, it was pretty hard to even make it out of bed.
I’m an Actor, something I wasn’t going to disclose on my blog, and it’s simultaneously the best and worst part of my life. I often compare it to a destructive relationship. It picks you up and you’re on top of the world then the next minute, you feel like that world is crumbling around you. I do it because I love it and there is no way I could see myself doing anything else, I wouldn’t know where to start. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck sometimes. And it got me thinking, is anyone else experiencing this?
I fight harder than anyone I know and it still isn’t good enough. I still haven’t had an acting job in months. And most of the time, I brush off the rejection, move on to the next, use it to motivate myself to push harder. But sometimes, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Which led me to last night, crying in bed, with a glass of red wine, wondering what the hell I do next. Was acting even for me? And if not, what do I do instead? I was begging whatever mystical genie out there to give me a sign to show me what I should do. And I know you’re expecting me to say I received an email giving me the part. Or I spilled my red wine and it made the shape of an Oscar. But nothing happened. I cried myself to sleep and I woke up today still having no clue what to do.
And that’s my point I think. So many young people have so much pressure to do well. We’re surrounded with people getting married, having kids, making millions on Youtube at the age of 20 and it makes us feel inadequate. And at the same time, we are plied with romantic films and shows where the lead female (in the rare chance there is a lead female) is having a breakdown and all of a sudden she sees a sign. Or she wakes up and realises what she should really be doing and she goes for it and all of a sudden she’s the CEO of a company. That shit ain’t real. We have to pick ourselves up. We have to figure it out or we really will be a 30 something, drinking a bottle of wine every evening and working for a business we hate and no one is going to turn that story in to a rom com.
How do we get to that point though? And this time this isn’t a rhetorical question with a motivational punchline. It’s a genuine question. How do you figure out what it is you are meant to do with your life? And when do you give up on a dream that you work so hard to make a reality? Because I’m stumped. Answers on a postcard please.